Dating, Torchwood Style
by cjulina
Summary: Dinner and a movie. Easy, right? Not if you work for Torchwood.
1. Attempt 1 - Dinner and a Movie

1st Attempt - Dinner and a Movie

Jack wanted to laugh at himself. He'd been so nervous when he'd asked Ianto out on a date. His anxiety had only heightened after the young man had agreed. Since then he had been working himself up to a nervous breakdown sweating over the details. Jack had booked and cancelled over a half dozen reservations in his search for the perfect restaurant. Choosing a movie had been equally nerve wracking. So many options. A romantic comedy might be too forward at this point. Slasher horror? Absolutely not the sort of mood he was trying to set. Science Fiction? Too close to reality for their kind of work. He'd ended up choosing a comedic action flick that had gotten reasonably good reviews.

But it seemed that there had been no need for all the nervous fretting. Ianto, sitting across from him, sipped from his glass of red wine with that rare lift of lips which stated, so much clearer than words, that the evening so far was everything Ianto had wanted. And Jack, finally, found himself relaxing, confident the evening would go smoothly.

The waiter had just finished removing their starter plate when Jack noticed Ianto staring at the front of the restaurant with a puzzled expression. "What is Gwen doing here?"

Jack's head spun around just as the former cop barged into the crowded establishment. _No! Nononono. This cannot be happening._ Jack's hopes for a perfect, and uneventful, evening were nearly crushed as he spied the rift energy scanner in Gwen's hand.

"Oh!" Gwen skidded to a stop as she reached their table. "Hi ya! So this is where you decided for dinner. Good choice. I hear the pasta is handmade." She unsuccessfully tried to hide the scanner behind her back. "So, um, I'm going to, uh, go over there," she pointed towards the kitchen doors, "and, erm, talk with the chef about catering my wedding."

She hadn't taken two steps when Jack's irritated voice stopped her. "Gwen!"

"It's nothing, really. Just a bit of flotsam came through the rift. Tosh is certain it's harmless. Well, mostly harmless. You two go back to your dinner and I'll just find whatever it is and be on my way."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded emphatically. "Absolutely. Don't let this ruin your date."

Jack hesitated until he saw Ianto nod emphatically in agreement with Gwen. "Okay. Just be discreet."

"If I may," Ianto interjected. "I believe the object you're looking for is over there." He gave a circumspect nod towards the bar. Nestled in amongst the many wine bottles was an ordinary looking fist-sized rock. Well, ordinary looking if Earth rocks were sickly split pea soup colored with nauseous neon pink lines pulsating along its surface.

Gwen gave them a gap-toothed grin. "I'll just grab it and get back to the Hub. Enjoy your date." She walked off just as the waiter placed their entrees, a wood grilled steak for Ianto and pasta primavera for Jack, in front of them.

The two men stayed tense until Gwen snatched the alien rock-like object and shoved it into her jacket pocket. In tandem they both released sighs of relief and then chuckled.

"Potential disaster averted," Ianto said as he picked up his knife and fork, preparing to cut into the succulent steak.

Jack speared some broccoli, and nearly dropped the fork as a gruff German accented voice sounded. Ow! Ow! Owwww!"

Ianto's astonished gaze flew from the broccoli spear to his steak as it, in a distinctly Jamaican voice, started to apologize profusely. "I would suggest you send me back to the kitchen. You wanted me medium-well but I fear I am merely rare. You won't enjoy consuming me."

At the table next to them, a woman's tiramisu began to chide her. "Take my advice, Lady, and skip dessert. You're starting to pack on the pounds. Perhaps you should start eating more salads."

Jack's broccoli gave a guttural "Humph!" before loudly exclaiming, "We all know how the vegetables feel about that!"

Chaos, naturally, erupted as patrons and wait staff started screaming as all the entrees, starters, and desserts began to chatter.

"Gwen!" Jack's bellow could barely be heard over the ear shattering volume. "Tell Tosh and Owen to get over here and tell Owen to bring a bucket load of Retcon. We're going to need it."

Ianto's only response to the pandemonium was to down his glass of wine with one large gulp. As he stood, he paused for a moment, reached down and grabbed the three-quarters full bottle, glugging down a good portion before he headed off to deal with crowd control.

Five hours later, Jack was stacking the last of the vegetable crates in the kitchen's cooler. _How the hell am I going to justify the expense of restocking an entire restaurant? Especially when those bastards charged us quadruple for the late night delivery._ Jack shrugged. _I'll leave that to Ianto to sort out._

He weaved his way through the restaurant, careful to not disturb any of the Retcon-induced sleeping patrons and staff. "So Tosh, you're absolutely certain that none of the food is sentient?"

"Absolutely. Best guess, the alien device is some sort of gag gift. It just gives the illusion that food can talk."

Jack scowled. "Yeah, it turned out to be a real funny joke."

He walked outside, spying Ianto loading rubbish bags into the back of the SUV. "I'm really sorry our date got ruined."

Ianto continued to pack away the bags. "Ianto?" Jack tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh, sorry." Ianto reached up and pulled tiny plugs out of his ears. "After the forty-second chorus of _Yes, We Have No Bananas Today_ I needed some relief.

"Don't!" But it was too late. Both men sighed as voices started enthusiastically singing from the bags, _Yes we have no bananas ... We have no bananas today ... We have string beans and onion Cabbages and scallions ... And all kinds of fruit, and say ..._

Jack kicked one of the bags. "Enough!" The singing food quieted down abruptly.

"This evening turned out to be," Ianto paused as he searched for the perfect word.

Jack scowled. "A disaster?"

Ianto laughed. "Well, I was thinking more along the line of unique but disaster certainly does sum it up rather well."

Jack just couldn't let go of his bad mood. "All I wanted was a nice, quiet night out with you. Is that too much to ask?"

"You know what they say?" Ianto replied with a tired but amused gleam in his eyes.

"What's that?"

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Jack grinned. "How very true. Give me a few days to figure something out and we'll give going out on a date another shot."


	2. Attempt 2 - Concert Under the Stars

A/N - thanks to sd4ianto for the "dinner and a show" line. I never would have come up with it and it fit in perfect.

OOO

2nd Attempt - Concert Under the Stars

The setting for their second attempt at a date had been a fairly easy decision for Jack to make. Helped along by the fact that flyers for the concert began springing up just about everywhere in the Hub. Stuck in the middle of the monthly costing reports he needed to sign off on. Used as a makeshift plate for his afternoon biscuits. Taped to the door of the loo. It seemed Jack couldn't set his eyes anywhere without spying one of the flyers advertising _A Night Under the Stars with Glenn Miller_. Not one to ignore providence (nor Ianto's unsubtle hint), Jack quickly booked two tickets.

The evening could not have been more ideal. Neither too warm, nor too cool, with just a light breeze to comfortably caress the skin. The night sky was unmarred by clouds, stars twinkling brightly, the full moon cast the area in a beautiful soft glow.

The two men had set their blanket slightly away from the rest of the crowd, creating a tiny bubble of isolation and intimacy. Jack, with his legs extended, braced himself up with his outstretched arms. Ianto was sprawled halfway across him, his back firmly pressed to Jack's chest, while he nibbled on the last of his chicken salad sandwich.

"This was an excellent idea, Jack. Glad you came up with it." Ianto's eyes twinkled teasingly.

Jack chuckled. "You really must learn to be more subtle, though I would never have expected you to be interested in Glenn Miller."

He gave a negligent shrug. "I'm learning to have an appreciation for the time period. I do, after all, really love your coat." Merriment flared in his eyes. "Besides, I thought this would be a vast improvement to the disastrous dinner and a show last week."

"Dinner and a movie. It was supposed to be dinner and a movie."

His lips lifted into a teasingly mischievous grin. "Ah, yes, but instead we ended up with no meal and a show that turned out be an endless repetition of _Yes, We Have No Bananas."_

"Don't remind me," Jack groaned. "I haven't been able to get that tune out of my head all week."

Ianto lifted up and pressed a soft, sultry kiss to his lips. "Then tonight should help with that."

He settled back down against Jack's chest as the orchestra finally took the stage. Soon the two men were lost in the notes of _Midnight Serenade_. Jack waited until the chords of _In the Mood_ sounded to begin his seduction of the young man pressed against him. He leaned down, his lips close to Ianto's ear, humming the tune softly. At the same time, Jack lifted one hand and lightly trailed his fingers up Ianto's arm, the sort of not-quite-there touch that he knew would raise goose bumps along the pale skin and send coursing surges throughout his body.

Jack had been hoping for a low moan of desire. He'd of even settled for a hitch of breath. Instead he got a body which violently tensed, springing upright so quickly he nearly crashed his head into Jack's chin. "Weevil!" was the softly hissed accompaniment to the movement.

Jack's gaze followed Ianto's, settling on the form of a Weevil standing perfectly still at the edge of the crowd, its head slightly cocked as if listening intently.

"Shit!" Jack scrambled for his mobile, speed dialing Owen.

The call was answered on the first ring. Without preamble, the medic's frenzied voice sounded. "Jack. Can't talk right now. We have a major situation ..." Owen trailed off as muffled yells could be heard in the background. Jack could tell Owen was holding his mobile away from his face but could still clearly hear when he responded to the yells with, "Their date's tonight? Bugger!"

Jack heard Owen take a calming breath before he began speaking into the mobile. "Did I say major situation? What I meant was minor issue. Nothing the girls and I can't handle on our own."

Ianto hissed, "Jack!" once again, pointing frantically at various points around the grounds. The one lone Weevil had now been joined by at least three dozen more. Before either man could yell a warning to the hundreds of people watching the concert, the Weevils, in mass, surged forward.

Jack started running, managing to get a total of five strides in, before skidding to a horrified halt. "They can't be! Oh, that is DISGUSTING!"

"Jack! What's going on? What's happening?" Owen's alarmed voice sounding tinny through the forgotten mobile clutched in his hand.

"Owen, bring a truckload of Retcon. We're gonna need it."

"Why?"

"The Weevils are having an orgy."

OOO

Jack gazed with envy over the sleeping audience, wishing that he too could suppress the memory of this evening via the aid of Retcon. He pointedly ignored the 'show' that was still going on in the middle of Cardiff Castle's grounds as he walked over to sit beside Owen.

"Any guess why this," he waved a hand towards the still seething mass, "is happening?"

Owen didn't bother to pull his eyes away from the game he was playing on his mobile. "Best guess? I've always suspected that some sort of sub-harmonic call brought on Weevil mating season."

"And?" Jack asked tiredly.

"Seems like the cadence and tempo of the music closely mimicked the mating call." Owen glanced over with an impish grin. "To sum up, Glenn Miller's _In the Mood_ actually got the Weevils in the mood."

Jack lifted a mock angry fist at the snarky medic. "So not funny." He left the medic and wandered over to where Ianto was sitting.

"Hey."

Ianto looked up, with eyes a bit wild but with a touch of amusement. "Hey."

"Didn't turn out to be the kind of night we'd hope for, did it?"

Ianto gave a huff as Jack settled beside him. "You could say that again." He ran a flustered hand through his hair. "Still. Third time's the charm, right?"

Jack was flabbergasted. "You mean, you'd give this another try?"

"Of course."

_This one is going to go off without a hitch. It will be perfect. I will not be thwarted again!_


End file.
